GOING SOUTH

TTC voted best way to arrive somewhere 46 minutes late and homicidal

For the 97th year in a row, the 97-year-old Toronto Transit Commission has been voted the most effective way to arrive at your destination a minimum of 46 minutes late and blindingly homicidal.

A new poll out today shows that for the 97th year in a row, the 97-year-old Toronto Transit Commission has been voted the most effective way to arrive at your destination a minimum of 46 minutes late and blindingly homicidal.

Despite intense competition, the TTC beat out other contenders for the top spot, including "Driving with mother-in-law in passenger seat," "Attempting to commute by unicycle for first time ever," and "crab-walking to your destination naked in January using only highway routes."

The poll reveals a startling and impressive fact about the TTC's reliability: no matter how close your destination is, be it across town or four centimetres from where you're currently standing, and no matter how much time you leave yourself to get there, the TTC will somehow come up with some genre of malfunction that messes with your plans and leaves you seething with rage.

"If you want to show up at your sweet nephew's dinosaur-themed 2nd birthday party a mess of hot tears and sweat, three hours late, and only capable of yelling 'NO ONE TOUCH ME OR TALK TO ME' there is really no better option than to take the TTC to the party," explains Benjamin Rathers, the transit sociologist who conducted the poll.

"Transit sociology is a completely made-up branch of science," he adds. "I invented my profession specifically so that I could head up this study and get back at the TTC for making me miss my own wedding last year."
 

When asked for comment, TTC spokesperson Frances Dunkirk shared that the commission is severely disappointed to learn the results of the poll.

"I just thought we would have been closer to like, a full hour late, not just 46 paltry minutes," she sighs. "That's really upsetting. We need to do better."

"For heaven's sake," she adds, "it shouldn't take you 46 minutes to get from Bay and Bloor to Yonge and Bloor. It should take you at least 90."

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

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