COLD COMFORT

Subtle ways to complain about the warm weather you begged for when it was cold

But think back to January. Bleak. Frozen. Grey. As you sat in your apartment, zipped up in your winter coat, did your heart not cry out for a nice toasty day?
(Shutterstock / Rachata Teyparsit)

I think we can all agree that it's way too hot outside. The temperature is so overbearing that it's impossible to leave an indoor space without immediately becoming the shape and texture of a wet bar of soap. But think back to January. Bleak. Frozen. Grey. As you sat in your apartment, zipped up in your winter coat, wrapped in a quilt, sipping on a coffee that had gone from boiling to tepid in less than 10 seconds, did your heart not cry out for a nice toasty day? Like the one you are currently suffering through?!

BUSTED. It totally did. If you're anything like me, you hate being a hypocrite but you love complaining. Here are some subtle ways to complain about the warm weather you begged for back when it was cold.

IN CONVERSATION:

You know what I've been thinking about lately? Crisp, cool, refreshing winter air. No reason.

Remember when a breeze used to mean something? That was wild.

Lately, I am just hating Sunday. Can't put my finger on why.

THROUGH CRYPTIC TWEETS:

Winter's Bone is a great film. Largely because of parts of the title.

WEATHER OR NOT? I'd pick not.

I wish ICY HOT power gel just had the icy option.

WITH POETRY:

I have seen

the plums

that were in the icebox

and which  

I was definitely

wishing to be

Forgive me

they were cold

so cold

and so cold

I did grasp once/ that which I disdained / I now clasp once / f**k summer

Roses are red / Violets are blue / Icicles are lovely / And also see-through

WHILE CONSUMING LIQUIDS:

Hot chocolate … hmph. As if I needed to be reminded about heat right now!

I don't know if I'd call that a tea cup. It seems pretty muggy.

Summers-by? No thanks. Oh ... it's Somersby? Still, no thanks.

USING INSTAGRAM CAPTIONS:

TBT remember when Thursday was Brrrrr-sday?

Arendelle looking like a pretty nice place to live rn. Wish it wasn't fiction #frozen

Here is a nice photo of my fish. It is nice because my fish lives in a temperature controlled climate, and I do not. No, I do not.

VIA MUSICAL CHOICES:

Really into Coldplay right now

Informer is such an underrated song. The song by Snow.

Beyonce continues to sleigh. Sorry, slay. Speaking of sleighs, remember winter?

BY RENAMING SUMMER MONTHS:

August? More like Eggnoggust. Haha, I wish. Oh boy do I wish.

July? More like YOU LIE ABOUT ENJOYING THIS SUNSHINE DON'T EVEN PRETEND.

June? More like I miss the spring and leaving my house in a light jacket.

Anyway, I wanted to end this article with something quippy, but it's tooooooooooooooooo hot to think.

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About the Author

Cassie Barradas

Cassie Barradas is a former BC middle school teacher and a current Toronto weirdo. She is an alumni of the Second City House Ensemble and an instructor at The Second City Training Centre. Catch her performing around the city with her troupe, Living Bloodsticks.

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