Pug daydreaming about murdering owner who placed bowtie on him
Chester, a local pug, confessed today to fantasizing about murdering his owner Justin Damon for placing what Damon describes as "an awfully sharp little bowtie" on him against his will.
The bowtie in question was purchased at a dog grooming store called Canine Couture for the purpose of taking photos for Instagram and Facebook. Since having the bowtie affixed to him, a mortified Chester has pictured himself wrapping it around his owner's neck and pulling on it until all the life eases out of him.
"I feel like a goddamn idiot," fumed Chester. "I know he has control over how I look, but he could at least leave me my dignity. I feel like I'm in a barbershop quartet."
Chester has lived with Damon for almost a year, and has been outfitted in elaborate costumes by his owner dozens of times. He explained that at first, he played along out of both pity and gratitude for Damon's care of him.
"Justin doesn't seem to have many friends, if he has any at all. I always figured that if dressing me up as a Roman gladiator or Elizabethan poet brightened up his life a bit, then it was worth it. But I'm really at my breaking point. If he puts one more top hat or cravat on me, I might have to end him."
Damon, whose Instagram account devoted to pictures of Chester has over 200 followers, expressed delight at his dog's appearance. "Look at this little vaudevillian in his bowtie!" he exclaimed, ignoring the fact that Chester was resting his chin against the carpet and had not moved in 10 minutes. "I just wish there was some way I could have him carry a little cane," he added, unaware that Chester was pondering how easy it would be to jump up and push him down the stairs.
"That one would be so easy to execute. Or maybe 'accidentally' knock something onto him from a top shelf," Chester mused. "I have options."
When asked why he hadn't just run away or bitten Damon whenever he tried to dress him up, Chester explained, "I seize up when I'm angry. Whenever I see him approach me with a Sherlock Holmes hat or tiny RCMP uniform, I just freeze."
Despite his mounting frustration, Chester said he understands Damon's obsession with costuming him. "Dressing me up as a person makes him feel more connected to the outside world. Justin works at an unpopular Polish deli, collects religious Archie comics, and listens to 1930s radio shows for like six hours a day. His dance card's pretty empty."
Damon's plans for the future include placing a tie-dyed headband around Chester's head and calling him "Yappy Hoffman," while Chester is considering pressing a pillow over Damon's face while he sleeps.