J.D. Power finally impeached by Associates

After years on top of the world of as a global marketing information services company, whatever that may be, adversity has struck J.D. Power & Associates.
(Shutterstock / Uber Images)

After years on top of the world of as a global marketing information services company, whatever that may be, adversity has struck J.D. Power & Associates for the first time: today at noon, several prominent associates introduced articles of impeachment against Power.

Though the corporation has not put out an official statement in the midst of the turmoil, several associates have spoken off the record about what one associate describes as "an inevitable step against Power."

"You know, J.D.'s not even his real name," said the associate, who asked not to be named. "And I don't even mean, like, oh it's actually John David. No. It's Lance. This is part of a pattern of half-truths we want to prevent from infecting the good name of J.D. Power. And, yes, his associates."

Upon learning of the actions of the associates, Power issued a terse response, delivered via a hastily spoken disclaimer at the end of a custom-made Honda commercial played on a closed-circuit television for this reporter.

"This is a power play, plain and simple. Not a Power play, which as you might imagine is something I approve of. Make sure you get the caps right in your story—send me any questions you have, and I'll deliver my answers at the end of a commercial for the 2017 Hyundai Elantra. Best in its class three years running, by the way, with no shortage of help from yours truly, and very little thanks to the associates."

"Anyway, it's a power play," he continued. "They know that if they bring me down, one of the associates will become J.D. Power."

"That new J.D. Power will then improve the lot of the rest of his former associates. But I ask you this: if J.D. Power lets the associates have it as good as he does, what's the difference? Where will the associates' motivation be to strive to one day become J.D. Power? I tell you, it's a fine line between socialism and assoc…iat… ism."

"By the way," he added at the end of a commercial that, despite it being quickly spoken was becoming quite lengthy, "I freely admit that it's not my actual name; it's a title, a mantle that passes from deserving recipient to deserving recipient—like James Bond. And I've earned that title, and believe that I capably execute its powers."

A second unnamed associate—which definitely gets confusing, you're not the only one confused here—said that Power has grown complacent after so many years atop the associates.

"One day we were supposed to announce which hotel had been named best in its class. I couldn't reach J.D., nor could any of the other associates," said the associate. The first one, I guess, who really knows anymore?

"Finally he called us back—he still uses a pager, by the way. He called us back and he was on vacation. We said we needed an answer immediately regarding the top hotel, and he took two seconds and said 'How about this one?' The one he was staying in at the time!"

"Another associate grabbed the phone from me and said, 'On what basis?' And he said, 'Well I'm having a pretty nice time.'"

"A pretty nice time!! No charts, no surveys, no 10-person panels. A pretty. Nice. Time. This kind of thing can't go on any longer, so we need to act now in order to maintain the dignity of the office of J.D. Power. Not to mention that of the associates."

At press time, we had not been able to reach the aforementioned hotel for confirmation of Mr. Power's stay, though a different hotel, the Niagara Marriott, spoke highly of Power and said called him a leader in "industry solutions," whatever those may be. We don't know what a lot of this is.

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About the Author

Jeremy Woodcock

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.,,,,,,,,,,