Golden Globes officially change name to Drunk Oscars

“We’ve had this idea in the works for a while, ever since—well, ever since it became clear that that’s what this show is."
(Shutterstock / Featureflash Phot)

At a press conference held today as part of the lead-up to this week's 75th annual Golden Globes ceremony, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has announced that they will permanently be re-branding the show as the Drunk Oscars going forward.

"We've had this idea in the works for a while, ever since—well, ever since it became fully clear that that's what this show is," said Len Blanksmanship, a spokesperson for the HFPA. "It's time we accept ourselves for exactly what we are and feel comfortable in our own skin, just like Gary Oldman in his Drunk Oscar–nominated turn as Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour."

Though the HFPA finalized their decision too late to alter their advertising campaign or other various labels from 75th Annual Golden Globes to 75th (or 1st) Annual Drunk Oscars, they have sent a note to all attendees to think of the proceedings as just that.

"Yeah, I won't be doing that, no," said host Seth Meyers, when asked how the new title will affect his hosting performance. "Maybe Trump will, though, anyone heard from Trump?" he added with a wink, making the kind of trademark political quip he has become known for. "Maybe Trump would enjoy that sort of thing. President Donald Trump."

"We're open to Seth going into that political area and pushing some buttons—that's what he does, and we knew that when we were booking him," said Blanksmanship. "But mostly we just want everyone to have a good time and be very drunk."

We want people so sloshed, so gone, that they believe they're seeing things—not unlike Sally Hawkins in her Drunk Oscar–nominated turn as Elisa Esposito in The Shape of Water. Both she and her fellow nominee director Guillermo del Toro will be present that night, by the way, and I hope they see 4 trophies between them."

"That's a reference to the double-vision often said to be induced by a night of heavy drinking," explained Blanksmanship.

The spokesperson assured reporters that there was no corrupting influence on the nomination process by the show's re-branding, however.

"You'll see that there's no nomination for Mel Gibson, for example. Yes, he was already nominated for Hacksaw Ridge last year, but we could have found a way to do it again. We've done way more egregious things than that—remember, this is the organization that nominated The Martian for Best Comedy."

"And also allows its hosts and presenters to become very drunk."

At press time, Blanksmanship took another sip from his "water bottle" and asked whether he had already mentioned about the show having a new name now.

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