SEDUCTION

Excerpts from The Comma Sutra

Is there anything sexier than using language correctly? No.
(Shutterstock / VGstockstudio)

Is there anything sexier than using language correctly? No.

Okay great, now that we've certainly established that, let's talk about an exciting new book that aims to get wordy people in the mood for some sweet, sweet lovin'. The Comma Sutra is an erotic manual to help you turn on the increasingly small percentage of people who know how to use an apostrophe. Here are some of the most popular moves!

1. Start the day off right: sidle up to your partner while he's making breakfast and whisper, "Hey baby, I know the difference between you're and your."

2. Feeling FRISKY?? Interrupt his day at work with a VERY detailed and explicit text explaining when you use an em dash versus an en dash. Mmmmmmm.

3. It goes without saying that all of your sexts should involve a minimum of three semicolons. Come on; anything less is just amateur hour.

4. If he says to you, "I want to take you right now, over there" and you're not totally in the mood, take a hot second to get him to clarify whether he means "there," "their," or "they're," and above all, how he would spell it. Problem solved. You'll be more than ready.

5. This line will make him drop his pants instantly, anytime, day or night: "I want to do a LOT of things to you and 'a lot' is two words, not one."

6. While he's in the shower, creep into the bathroom and write a racy sentence in the steamy mirror that does NOT involve a comma splice. Uh, HEAT LEVEL: 5 BILLION.

7. Show up at his front door in just a trench coat. Then open it and whisper, "Things are going to be done to you by me." And then laugh and laugh at the distasteful use of the passive voice.

8. Are you in the backseat of his Dodge Stratus telling him, "Oh GOD, it's so good"? Pronounce the apostrophe in "it's" if you really want to knock his socks off (along with the rest of his clothing). "Oh GOD, it, apostrophe, S, so good." Has a sexier sentence ever been uttered in the history of earth??

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About the Author

Sophie Kohn

Writer/Producer

Sophie Kohn is writer and producer with CBC Comedy, a stand-up comedian in Toronto, and a graduate of Second City's Conservatory program.

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