SEE YOU NEXT FALL

Diving soccer player at World Cup named best sporting actor

“To make my performance worthy of such an honour, I can’t just...fall over. Everybody is doing that. I need to really put on a show."

With the World Cup entering its third round, its eventual winner remains to be declared.

Some honours in the quadrennial tournament have already been sewn up, however, including Luis Hammarskjöld of Micronesia having been named Best Sporting Actor in a landslide vote.

And though that slide wasn't made anywhere near Luis, you have to know he went down immediately as if it struck him hard in both legs. That's just the kind of performer he is.

Hammarskjöld was quick to spread the credit and blame for the award.

"For this award, it's all about having the opportunity to shine. In football you have to go over and above to stand out, because there are obviously a lot of great actors around me."

"To make my performance worthy of such an honour, I can't just...fall over. Everybody is doing that. I need to really put on a show. I'm sure you all remember that game where I pretended to have measles and that the other team's striker had given me those measles on purpose. How would that even happen? It wouldn't. But it was hard work. I researched measles for a year!"

He went on to say that his teammates must fill their roles in order for him to have even the slightest chance of filling his.

"Soccer is a game of contrasts: you need a sturdy sweeper to allow the speedy midfielder to roam free. Likewise, there are contrasts involved in — indeed, required by — my particular art."

"We can't all be falling down. If my teammates weren't standing, it would mean nothing for me to flop onto the ground. There would be no contrast. From the contrast comes the beauty, and from the beauty comes this award, and so I must share it with my teammates."

Asked whether he hopes to rejoin his team in the 2022 championship, Hammarskjöld responded in the affirmative, saying it would be a great cap on his career to be able to fraudulently tumble onto the grass of a constitutional monarchy for the first time.

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About the Author

Jeremy Woodcock

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.

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