CHOCO-HOLICS

An examination into the effectiveness of microdosing Toblerones

Mmmmmmmmmicrodosing.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FROM THE SWISS SCIENCE INSTITUTE:

The following report deals with preliminary but promising results stemming from research into various angles and facets of the recent microdosing trend.

Microdosing has been something of a fad of late, with human self-experimenters looking into the effects of minute amounts of caffeine, mushrooms, and even LSD on their systems.

These pioneers may yet see progress from their labours, but no empirical data has been published to date.

We at the SSI hope as strongly as anyone to see evidence of statistically significant results from those substances and others in the future. In the meantime, we at the Institute have found that the only guaranteed methodology for improved self-worth, self-realization, and focus is the microdosing of Toblerone bars, one chocolate triangle at a time.

During what could be termed a casual side-study alongside our more large-scale projects, our scientists have been consuming one single triangle of the popular bar each day.

Early anecdotal reports are suggesting that it improves the day of the consumer "quite a bit" and that it's just "actually quite nice."

And nice is good.

Simon Glover, lead scientist in the biochemistry department, has suggested a minor change in the protocol by having each employee microdose with one entire bar each day, but we had to tell him that's just eating a Toblerone bar, that's different. Go ahead and do that, but that's not really what we're talking about.

Microdosing is commonly accepted as consisting of one-tenth the usual active dose. As there are now nine triangles in the controversially updated Toblerone design, we believe eating one triangle as opposed to the whole bar roughly approximates this ratio and are excited for further study.

Simon Glover, aforementioned lead scientist in the biochemistry department, rebutted this point by saying that he usually eats nine bars a day, and that he should be allowed to eat one bar at a time, which doesn't seem wise and we don't really believe him anyway.

We can assure you that Dr. Glover will not be mentioned again in the remainder of this report, and that he should probably get a handle on things.

The simple truth is that more study is required, but we at the SSI have found greater effects from this experiment than from previous experiments of consuming one Smartie at a time, a single Nerd, or one donut crumb (particularly given the divergence of views on what constitutes a "crumb." It's a very unscientific measurement.)

We ask finally for any donations possible to continue further research, as I've just noticed Simon Glover, lead scientist in the biochemistry department, has "removed" the rest of our study materials. (He ate them.)

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About the Author

Jeremy Woodcock

Jeremy has been a staff writer for This Hour Has 22 Minutes, performed stand-up comedy at the Just For Laughs and Winnipeg Comedy Festivals, and co-created/stars in the popular video series The Urbane Explorer/Finding Bessarion. A 3x Canadian Comedy Award–winner and published humour columnist, he also wrote your favourite joke, the one about the fish trying to get a job at a bank.

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