5 alarming backstories behind seemingly normal stock photos
1. It may LOOK like this nice woman is laughing at a kitchen table with her nice friend over some salad. However, two weeks ago, these women made a dark and sinister pact: from now until the end of time, Jess only ever gets to eat salad — NO OTHER FOOD — to make up for stealing Kayla's Danny DeVito puppet last week under the cover of nightfall. "I'll have the first salad with you because that's the kind of nice person I am," Kayla whispered just moments before this photo was taken.
2. This woman, Lauren, got so tired of telling men, "HEY, my eyes are up HERE" that four months ago, she began kicking things into high gear. "I won't leave home without two tantalizing cupcakes that I hold permanently over my eyes," she explains. So far, her tactic is working. "Men really do look at my cupcake eyes now," she says. However, her activism comes at some cost: in any given week, Lauren accidentally walks off three cliffs and into an average of seven walls. As a result, both of her legs are now peg legs.
3. Sweet, right? WRONG. This man proposes to this woman every single day. Every single day she says, "I'm not sure I'm ready yet." So he proposes again the next day. "How about now??" he smiles. Like, it's seriously getting ridiculous. This has been going on for eight years. "The worst part is I feel a weird pressure to act all touched and surprised because that's what the woman is supposed to do," explains Beatrice, the lady depicted in this photo. "But inside I am just seething with homicidal rage. Yesterday I punched two cakes."
4. Please help this owl. It is obsessed with old episodes of Home Improvement. Six months ago, it landed in the window of a house where Home Improvement was playing on the television, and it was utterly transfixed. It hasn't flown, fed itself, slept, or provided for its family in half a year. I really can't overstate how absolutely and thoroughly glued to the screen this owl is — but ONLY when Home Improvement is on. As soon as the people in the house change the channel, this owl loses all interest, and wanders the streets thinking about Home Improvement.
"I noticed this owl," says homeowner Sandy Truster, 43. "So yesterday I bought the complete box set of Home Improvement and a tiny flat-screen, and later today I'm going to set them up on the porch for the owl. It's going to lose its shit."
Truster has set up a Kickstarter page to help cover the costs associated with purchasing and setting up a small outdoor entertainment system for a bird of prey. Please donate. Any amount helps. It's unclear how, but that's just what you say, isn't it.
5. These four friends are actually elderly. Like, absolutely ancient. From left to right, Gladys is 99, Jerry is 102, Agnes is the baby of the group — she's 96, and Harold is absolutely 100. Six weeks ago, they got a hold of four rubber Youth Suits (they stole them off a movie set), stuffed their bodies inside, and headed into the woods for a fun time. They've been practicing saying words like "Snapchat" and "woke bae." Also, the suits are extremely hot and they're all suffering from mild to moderate dehydration. Also, they've been lost for a month.